I started a new project today. Stop rolling your eyes at me. Yes, I know I’m a tad ADHD, but this is different. I’m not making anything. I’m not painting, or baking or getting great biceps. Today I signed up for Project 137. What is it? That is not easy to answer. I’ll let Patti Digh, the creator of Project 137 tell you herself.
Project 137 is…”A journey into mindful living from August 16 – December 31, 2012. A pilgrimage into meaning. A community live-a-palooza to love well, live fully, let go deeply, and make a difference.”
In my words, it is a ME project. It is a journey to self discovery. It is 137 days of baby steps in the right direction. (No, it is not a drug rehab, mom.) It is a spiritual rehab, of sorts. Our first assignment today was to write down why we were ready to take on this project and the answer came so quickly that it startled me. I had to go back and read it again because it came out so fast.
My children are all in school full time now. I thought this day would never come. I always wished that it would hurry up and get here so that I could have a moment of peace. I sit in my quiet house now and feel anything but peaceful. Every day, I feel panic. I need to be cleaning, blogging, earning money, showing my husband that I’m not just sitting around and twiddling my thumbs. But I cannot focus. And when I get focused, I cannot stay focused. I’m constantly spinning my wheels about all of the things that I’m not doing while I’m doing something else. It is a serious mind f*ck. I’m in a race where I cannot win because I’m racing against myself and there is no finish line! I’m ready for this because I need a journey that is not an endless race.
I had to ask myself, “Do I really feel this way?” Yes. If I’m being honest with myself, I do. It wasn’t a pretty realization. But it does explain why I have been doing a lot of stuff that is getting me nowhere in particular and feeling generally melancholy these past few weeks. I truly thought that when all of my kids were in school, that I would be joyous and full of energy. I pictured myself zooming upward to meet my goals. That is has not happened is worrying me. It makes me wonder if this is how empty nesters feel. Are we so used to chaos and getting nothing done that it becomes habit? Are we left standing in a silent house, dazed and confused, because we feel lost when not playing the role of parent? Yep. We are. And here I thought that I was impervious to such a thing. Well, I’m not.
So I’m starting this project and hoping that along the way, I will figure out how to be me again. Not Kadi the mom, but Kadi the woman who has big plans and the desire to make her dreams a reality. Or at least Kadi the woman who does something other than wonder what to do with 6 hours a day (aside from checking Facebook and Twitter.) Follow along with me on my journey to self discovery, if you’d like. I’ll keep you updated here as I go.